Ahhh, it feels like a century ago that I last posted an entry here, yet somehow it feels as if it was yesterday. Nothing says time isn’t linear more than that right?
I wanted to take a moment to recognize and show gratitude for everything that has gotten me to this point and I also felt the need to share my story, in hopes that it might resonate with someone else who might be going through the same thing or something like it.
As some of you may know, I started this blog in August of 2017. I was completely in tune, connected and aligned with all of this information that pulled me in like a magnet. The intention I had for the blog was to have it be somewhere where I could condense everything I was learning about and keep track of it, instead of just having a journal or notebook that I would stash away somewhere. Little by little, the information I was posting started to resonate with more and more people, I was humbled and excited. On a personal level, that year brought some hardships but I felt beautifully supported by my connection to Spirit. I made it through 2017.
I hit the year mark with the blog, posting less and less, but inspired by all of you who I made connections with, found support and shared journeys with. I felt farther and farther from that connection I had with what I was doing. I found myself sometimes sitting in front of my computer, art ready, entry open… but unable to write a single thing. I wasn’t connecting, I wasn’t centered, I wasn’t focused.
My personal life had become more and more demanding and overwhelming, trying to get over so much; financial issues, a break up, physical illness. Overall, I felt like my mortal being was being bombarded with lessons that came quicker than what I could heal. It seems ironic that I have this fascination with mermaids and sea creatures, yet this tide would hold me underwater for long lengths, and the waves would let me breathe just enough to endure the next one. by the end of 2018, I was exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I felt like the entire foundation of my life had collapsed from under me. I longed for that connection to be back, for that feeling of security and lightness to come back.
2019 felt like a continuation of the two previous years. Hard lessons, pain, a little suffering, more financial struggles, my confidence took a hit, I felt more lost than ever, definitely got some unexpected plot twists and curve balls too.
Most of the time I have been absent on this platform was due to all of this. I NEEDED to come back to myself. I needed to really focus on doing some hard, deep, no bullshit, gangster inner work in order to (yep!) work through it. I kept thinking I would work on everything I needed to work on and come back soon to posting and nurturing that connection before it was severed in some way. But it took a lot longer than I expected. Just goes to show that we might have an idea on timing, but in reality, the universe trumps everything. Everything aligns when the universe KNOWS we are ready, not when we THINK we’re ready.
This is not a sob story, nor am I telling it to be a victim or to ask for pity. Quite the contrary. With every single hit I took, I learned something about myself, how I look at things, what perspectives I choose, how I choose to react, the thoughts and emotions I was feeding, limiting beliefs and patterns. Everything from personal relationships to financial, from spiritual to behaviour was shaken up. I guess you could say I was given the opportunity to really do serious shadow work on myself. Not necessarily because I chose it, but because it was time.
All of this had a purpose, and this is why I feel it’s so empowering to recognize the lessons and healing opportunities that we have. Today, now more than ever, I come back with a crystal clear (pun intended) vision and feeling of what I need to do, who I am, what resonates with me, but most importantly… what I am here to do. that is a gift. Through all the icky, uncomfortable and sometimes painful stuff we go through, there are seeds. The seeds of healing, of expanding, of evolving.
I also feel that I wasn’t the only one going through tough times. The collective is being shaken down, torn apart, so that in rebuilding ourselves in a higher vibration, we can rebuild the structures that will be torn down on the outside world (more on that in later posts!)
Before I make this post a lot longer than it needs to be, I will close with this:
We are here not only as individuals, but as key pieces in a collective experience. It may be daunting to know this at times, since sometimes we can barely handle our own selves. But everything is beautifully and perfectly connected. The changes that we go through as individuals and the result of that, is what goes on to create new paradigms, new systems, new beliefs, new opportunities for all.
If you are struggling at any time, please, do not feel alone. You are not alone. I feel you, I see you, I love you. It’s ok to focus on yourself in order to heal because when one heals, we all heal in some way. Everything we do has an effect whether it’s visible or not.
2020 is the start of many firsts, a lot is changing and will continue to change. There’s a reason why it seems as though so many of us are finding home within ourselves, aligning with our authentic selves. This world will need it.
Be aware that you listen to your body, heart and soul, they truly know the way. Your intuition is in you for a reason. We are constantly being guided and take it from me, through my experience: We always know, deep down, where our path lies. Replace fear with trust, doubt with belief, insecurity with acceptance. For every shadow thought, emotion or behaviour we have inside, we carry the same equivalent in light. Learn from the shadows to bring out the light, for it will guide you back home.
With all my love and gratitude, thank you all for being, for existing and for allowing me to be a part of your journey.